It's my Birthday!!!!

Why do I make my birthday such a big deal?

A lot of people just try to get through the day of their birth quickly and painlessly trying not to bring much attention to themselves. Not me. I herald the day. I allow my birthday to last a week maybe more. Is it because I need to be the center of attention? Is it a way of making myself feel valued? The answer is probably yes to both those questions. But the reasoning is so much deeper. 

You see, I almost didn't have any more birthdays. 

10 years ago today, I tried to kill myself by taking a handful of Tylenol PM. I was prepared to go to sleep and never wake up again. 

To everyone around me, I was fine. I just turned 27. I was living on my own. I had a job that paid the bills. It looked like I had my shit together. But that is the scary thing about mental illness. There aren't always signs. The reality was I was scared and felt utterly alone with horrible destructive thoughts cursing through my head. The battle was raging against my natural happy-go-lucky personality and the plague of I'm-not-good-enough and nobody-loves-you. Those were...sometimes still are...my demons. They fought to take away all my joy until they thought they won. But they didn't. I survived. And even better, I thrived. 

Don't get me wrong. There have been some pretty low points in my life since then. Just last fall, I came very close to falling prey to an I-don't-matter demon. But I came out on the other side. Not only did I make it out alive. I made it out stronger. And probably for the first time in my life...dare I say it...confident. Wow. That is actually a hard thing for me to say. Why? Because I never thought I would. Again...I have bad days. But for the most part I am very comfortable with who I am. 

How have I come to this place? 

I want to say that the answer is simple. I want so bad to say it was more Jesus in my life. But it's a lot more complex than that. Yes, I have more Jesus in my life. I also have more people in my life that don't believe in Jesus as their savior. This place...the apex that I am sitting on right now, wasn't reached by more bible reading, more worship music singing, or even more praying. It was reached by a lot of honest self evaluation and reflection. To be more comfortable with myself, I had to become more familiar with myself. 

I also had to become a lot more honest with the people around me. I couldn't hide my feelings from those I loved. I couldn't bury all my pain. There is great physiological, mental, and emotional benefits to confession. Maybe you have never thought of it that way before. But when I started finding people I could trust enough to confess all my darkness to, I started to feel free from that darkness. Like it no longer had a solid grip on me. Like those loved ones were winning the tug-of-war for my heart against the demons that plagued me for so long. 

It's been hard. Confession can rip you up inside. I naturally wanted to fight it. Who could like me when they saw all the ugliness? Fortunately, that hasn't been the case. Fortunately, God, has surrounded me with people who love me despite my darkness. In fact, I believe that my relationships have been strengthened by my honesty.

I have never felt more loved than I do right now. And every day that love grows more. 

Now, do I think that this is a cookie-cutter solution to all people's situations? 

HELL NO! 

Mental illness is serious. Not everyone's demons look the same. There is no one pill, no one program, no one spiritual path that can help everyone. I'm not trying to tell anyone that if only they believe in the powerful redemptive strength of Christ, their darkness will all disappear. That is actually ridiculous to me. Everyone struggles in a different way. Like I tell my friend Christa nearly everyday, "Everyone is a little bit crazy. It just looks different." I'm only wanting to tell you my story. 

I am a success story. And I am going to celebrate it every chance that I get. Even more so on this day. The day that almost never happened.

Keep On Keeping On.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how blessed vocationally I am. That is a complete 180 from where I was only a month ago. A month ago, I thought there was no hope for me to get out of the dead end job that I was trapped in.

I absolutely HATED that job.

It was a year after I graduated college and I had just moved back from living with a friend in Iowa. I had no prospects of finding a job with my degree. You see, I graduated with a Bachelor of General Studies. In my head, that was a failure. It didn't matter that I had a degree. It was a glorified high school diploma in my eyes. I actually hung the degree in a cheap frame above my toilet for quite a while. But there was a job opening at the factory my dad's girlfriend worked at. It was good money and it was only temporary summer help. 11 years later, I was STILL there. And I can't even describe you how MISERABLE I was.

But for many years I didn't even attempt to leave. I was punishing myself.

For what?

For failing.

I had so many dreams. In high school, I wanted to be a lawyer or work for David Letterman. In fact, I was well on my way to do just that. I was accepted to my two top schools Loyola University (my choice for pre-law) in Chicago and Ball State University (my choice for radio/tv/film production) in Muncie.

I chose Ball State. That the first of many choices that led me on a path to my failure.

I always have daydreams about how might things have been if I had decided to go to Loyola instead of Ball State. At the time, it was the most practical decision. I would leave college with less than 20 grand of debt instead of over 100 grand of debt. I wouldn't have to go to school for as long. 4 years and done. Then I would get a job at a television station and move my way up to the Late Show with David Letterman. After all, Ball State is his Alma Mater.

PIPE DREAMS.

I was a hopeful youth. But life and myself got in the way of those dreams coming true.

When I would hear young people dream big, I think..."HA! Good luck with that!" But there is a big part of me who is really JEALOUS of their ability to start afresh. What I would have given to be able to START OVER?

So a month ago, I accepted a position at Hoosier Crane as an inside sales rep. It wasn't my dream. But it's not the factory I was dying in either. I am happy. I am actually happier than I have been in a VERY long time. I stop believing that my worth came from what I did, who I was with, and what I looked like.

I found my worth in Christ.

Now I hear other people talk about how much they hate their jobs, and my heart hurts for them. I know how that feels. I WAS THERE.

To those people...

I know how you feel.

I am praying for you.

Yes, I'm Going to Keep Singing Anyway.

Sing to the LORD a new song;

sing to the LORD, all the earth.

Psalm 96:1

I love to sing. I mean LOVE to sing. I sing from the moment I wake to the moment I go to sleep at night. There is always a song playing around in my head. 

Now, I am not the best singer. In fact, I am probably singing off key most (if not all) of the time. But that doesn't stop me. I will keep on singing until I can no longer. And even then, I will still carry a tune in my head. 

DISCLAIMER: SOAPBOX MOMENT

I don't think that it matters much that I don't sing the greatest. If God only wanted us to participate in the things that we were good at, we wouldn't have much joy in our lives. I know that I am not meant to stand up on a stage and sing to a crowd. But I will stand right where I am and sing until my heart is content. If you don't like what you are hearing, then get some earplugs. If you are one of those singing purest who think only people who can sing well should sing, then we cannot be friends. Cause I'm not going to stop. 

SOAPBOX MOMENT OVER

On a lighter note: I love to sing so much, I have passed this trait on to my little 6 year-old shih tzu. Yes. My dog sings. And it is by far one of the greatest blessings in my life. It brings me so much joy to hear her sing along to a song on the TV or Radio. 

These videos never get old to me. I could watch them over and over again. If you would like to see more, check out our YouTube channel here.

So, if you hear me singing to myself, please don't scoff. Know that I am full of joy in those moments. And by all means, join in. I would love if life was like a musical, everyone breaking out into song whenever the mood carried them there.

A Place to Relax

This weekend I got to spend a few minutes relaxing at Granger Commons. And I can't help but be extremely grateful for the facility that we all get to use every day. 

As a church we decided that we wanted to be a place for everyone, believer or non, to work, meet others, or just relax. With the creation of the Eatery and Reads & Things, that is exactly what has been accomplished. Here you are always greeted with a friendly face who wants to help you the best they can. Be it making you a delicious salad, sandwich (I'm partial to the Chicken Salad Melt), or caffeinated beverage(Iced Salted Carmel Latte pictured above) or if you need a recommendation on a great next read, the staff is ready and willing to make your experience first rate. 

I feel like I take this place for granted. With all my coming and going from Granger Commons many times in the week, I forget to sit down and relax myself. But when I do get a chance to just sit in this space, its refreshing.

Thanks Eatery and Reads & Things for being a place I can come back to.

And let's not forget to mention that the Granger Commons has the best free wi-fi service in the area. 

Come check it out.

You Make Beautiful Things Out Of Me.

For we are God's handiwork, created n Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10

God created me. He gave me passion. He chose me specifically to do His work in a completely unique way. Then He stood back and let me find my way.

For years, I thought that I was worthless. I thought that I was a failure. Even knowing the love of Christ, I still didn't see myself as important or having any worth. This all stemmed from be nearly failing out of college and spending 11 years working at a factory.

I KNEW I was called to do so much more. But I was stuck. I KNEW that I was put on this earth to create. To make beautiful things. And being stuck in a factory was not where I could make those beautiful things.

But what I took for granted was all the ways that I could serve my Lord by creating. It may not be as a job. It might just be where I devote my time outside church.

7 years ago, when I first started Granger Community Church, I joined the IMag team. For 6 and 1/2 years I served on that team as a camera operator. In this function, I helped bring our weekend services to the masses. But I still didn't feel like I was doing what I was meant to be doing for the Lord. I wanted to do more.

I recently heard a friend/leader talk about the way the Lord pulls you toward something better. He talked about how it is hard and sometimes confusing to step out of where you are and step into the flow of what God is doing around you. That is what I did a little over a year ago when I decided to step into a new role at church as a lighting programmer/operator. It was scary starting all over in an area that I knew nothing about. But now, I couldn't imagine doing anything else. I truly believe that this is what God created me to do.

Designing the lights for a weekend service gives me a high that cannot compare to any drug. And at the same time, it is something I can do to calm and relax me. It is my outlet for stress, sadness, and joy.

I may not ever make money off of creating "pretty light" designs, but I will always know that my God has a plan and purpose for me. And right now it is as a volunteer lighting programmer at Granger Community Church. And for that, I am unbelievably grateful.

Without You I Am Nothing

I woke up this morning with the song "Search My Heart" playing on repeat in my head. This is a far cry from the days I would wake up with "I like to move it, move it" stuck in my head.

God has done so much with me in the last 7 years. I am in awe of the changes in my life. But saying that I realize there is so much more for Him to do.

I just need to keep singing this song.

I need to put these lyrics into practice.

I need to every moment of every day proclaiming "without you I am nothing".

I'M READY!!!!!!!

As the alarm screamed at me this morning, unlike normal people, I hopped out of bed ready to start the day.

I love starting the day anew. I am the quintessential morning person. I tell people I am like Spongebob. I wake up saying, "I'M READY."

I haven't always been this way. I use to hate getting out of bed. All I wanted to do was sleep. I was always so tired. I was depressed. I didn't want to live life.

Eventually, this depression led to a suicide attempt.

But then I accepted the gift of redemption that God offers to everyone of us.

And now I am so thankful for morning, sunrises, and a chance to live another day.