A lot of people just try to get through the day of their birth quickly and painlessly trying not to bring much attention to themselves. Not me. I herald the day. I allow my birthday to last a week maybe more. Is it because I need to be the center of attention? Is it a way of making myself feel valued? The answer is probably yes to both those questions. But the reasoning is so much deeper.
You see, I almost didn't have any more birthdays.
10 years ago today, I tried to kill myself by taking a handful of Tylenol PM. I was prepared to go to sleep and never wake up again.
To everyone around me, I was fine. I just turned 27. I was living on my own. I had a job that paid the bills. It looked like I had my shit together. But that is the scary thing about mental illness. There aren't always signs. The reality was I was scared and felt utterly alone with horrible destructive thoughts cursing through my head. The battle was raging against my natural happy-go-lucky personality and the plague of I'm-not-good-enough and nobody-loves-you. Those were...sometimes still are...my demons. They fought to take away all my joy until they thought they won. But they didn't. I survived. And even better, I thrived.
Don't get me wrong. There have been some pretty low points in my life since then. Just last fall, I came very close to falling prey to an I-don't-matter demon. But I came out on the other side. Not only did I make it out alive. I made it out stronger. And probably for the first time in my life...dare I say it...confident. Wow. That is actually a hard thing for me to say. Why? Because I never thought I would. Again...I have bad days. But for the most part I am very comfortable with who I am.
How have I come to this place?
I want to say that the answer is simple. I want so bad to say it was more Jesus in my life. But it's a lot more complex than that. Yes, I have more Jesus in my life. I also have more people in my life that don't believe in Jesus as their savior. This place...the apex that I am sitting on right now, wasn't reached by more bible reading, more worship music singing, or even more praying. It was reached by a lot of honest self evaluation and reflection. To be more comfortable with myself, I had to become more familiar with myself.
I also had to become a lot more honest with the people around me. I couldn't hide my feelings from those I loved. I couldn't bury all my pain. There is great physiological, mental, and emotional benefits to confession. Maybe you have never thought of it that way before. But when I started finding people I could trust enough to confess all my darkness to, I started to feel free from that darkness. Like it no longer had a solid grip on me. Like those loved ones were winning the tug-of-war for my heart against the demons that plagued me for so long.
It's been hard. Confession can rip you up inside. I naturally wanted to fight it. Who could like me when they saw all the ugliness? Fortunately, that hasn't been the case. Fortunately, God, has surrounded me with people who love me despite my darkness. In fact, I believe that my relationships have been strengthened by my honesty.
I have never felt more loved than I do right now. And every day that love grows more.
Now, do I think that this is a cookie-cutter solution to all people's situations?
HELL NO!
Mental illness is serious. Not everyone's demons look the same. There is no one pill, no one program, no one spiritual path that can help everyone. I'm not trying to tell anyone that if only they believe in the powerful redemptive strength of Christ, their darkness will all disappear. That is actually ridiculous to me. Everyone struggles in a different way. Like I tell my friend Christa nearly everyday, "Everyone is a little bit crazy. It just looks different." I'm only wanting to tell you my story.
I am a success story. And I am going to celebrate it every chance that I get. Even more so on this day. The day that almost never happened.
